the mundane archive

     Nothing really really matters, though things can matter, and they can really matter; but they cannot really really matter.       Things can matter to one, and things can matter to many, hell, things can matter to *all* things which things can matter to. But a thing cannot truly and purely matter.       The main reason for this is that there is no god beyond what humanity can think up; and don't get me wrong, there *is* a god, in fact, it's possible for there to be many gods, but those gods don't matter either.     Now, I am taking for granted that you, the reader, aren't too opposed to the position that nothing in our understanding is sacred anymore. Things can matter and be beautiful, but they are not really capable of a relevance beyond what exists within the collective human wisdom-dome at any point, i.e. anything that matters, matters within human understanding.    Many gods do pretend to exist beyo...

       It feels really odd to feel existential uncertainty. For me at least, I kind of always had an idea of what things I wanted to do -- It was a combination of Science, Philosophy and Arts, and when you're small you don't really worry about your financial future and general safety. I had friends when I was real small, that would get into existensial crises over the fact that the sun was going to explode in a zillion years. I never really had that sort of feeling, I was usually the runt that *shared* with others what cool facts about the sun exploding she had learned from a documentary yesterday. The thought of everything I know being consumed in a fiery blaze didn't really occur to me back then - I was just so engrossed in how cool it was that the sun was going to explode - and now it does occur, and it is not a horrifying thought, but it is uncomfortable. I find it very hard to live, I've been finding it pretty difficult for the last 5 years or so. Things have im...

        I am not *mentally ill*, okay? I mean, I am definitely a little ill, and definitely in the head; but I am not insane insane. I don't have bipolar, schizophrenia, autism, any personality disorder, ADHD or anything! I am just neurotic, and prone to negative self-talk- I can be very functional when I want to be, life is just hard, you know? A lot of my friends are in a similar struggle as me, they themselves may be more or less extroverted / show their troubles less or more, but they too suffer. I've been calling the "periods" of rapid thought, of trying to unravel the reason for why I am here, and what I am doing wrong "psychic chaos". I may have picked the term up from a youtuber, or made it myself, I'm not sure.  It's not a special thing, of course, I call them "psychic chaos" because it's fun to call them that, makes it sound like there is some great importance and reality to the thing I am going through. And, well, to the poin...