Pain Again, of course, what else?

     It feels really odd to feel existential uncertainty. For me at least, I kind of always had an idea of what things I wanted to do -- It was a combination of Science, Philosophy and Arts, and when you're small you don't really worry about your financial future and general safety.

I had friends when I was real small, that would get into existensial crises over the fact that the sun was going to explode in a zillion years. I never really had that sort of feeling, I was usually the runt that *shared* with others what cool facts about the sun exploding she had learned from a documentary yesterday.

The thought of everything I know being consumed in a fiery blaze didn't really occur to me back then - I was just so engrossed in how cool it was that the sun was going to explode - and now it does occur, and it is not a horrifying thought, but it is uncomfortable.

I find it very hard to live, I've been finding it pretty difficult for the last 5 years or so. Things have improved but I have not been able to get a grasp on achieving peace and satisfaction.

 I suppose therapy would be helpful, though I am mainly procrastinating getting an appointment these days.

 While I am busy struggling to live, I also have this voice in my head that tells me I'm not supposed to be struggling this much, that either something is terribly wrong with me - or something is terribly wrong with my life trajectory, or my environment, or something else.

With this I have gotten pretty neurotic, since the pain does not seem to stop no matter what I do, I made it a habit to examine all areas of my life and see what can be improved.

 But of course, often, the neurosis becomes counterproductive, and I get lost in spirals of self-hatred and self-frustration.

In trying to fix this pain I have done everything I can to improve things, but I have also lost many sources of positive emotion: I go out less, I don't party as much, I don't have as many friends, I don't really date anymore, etc.

And right now it has gotten to the point where I am questioning the most fundamental things in life about what I like, love, or want to do; in order to reduce this pain I am feeling.

I don't really know what to do about this pain, though I know precisely what it is.

It all stems from the fact that I have a skin covered in diamonds.