Psychic Chaos

      I am not *mentally ill*, okay? I mean, I am definitely a little ill, and definitely in the head; but I am not insane insane. I don't have bipolar, schizophrenia, autism, any personality disorder, ADHD or anything! I am just neurotic, and prone to negative self-talk- I can be very functional when I want to be, life is just hard, you know? A lot of my friends are in a similar struggle as me, they themselves may be more or less extroverted / show their troubles less or more, but they too suffer.

I've been calling the "periods" of rapid thought, of trying to unravel the reason for why I am here, and what I am doing wrong "psychic chaos". I may have picked the term up from a youtuber, or made it myself, I'm not sure. 

It's not a special thing, of course, I call them "psychic chaos" because it's fun to call them that, makes it sound like there is some great importance and reality to the thing I am going through.

And, well, to the point of me writing this stream of consciousness piece: I have been going through Psychic Chaos for a while now. A year or more of everything dissolving and reshaping and me reinventing myself, with the occasional week/month long break stuck in there.

 But then, even the breaks are just there so I can reinvent myself better.

 It must have started after my first year of uni, when I was blackmailed by my ex and lost a lot of my friends in repeating fits of depression and panic. 

It started slowly, I would ruminate over my sexuality (again) at first, then I'd ponder what I was doing with my life. Overtime, more bad experiences built up on top of everything: panic attacks at crucial moments, getting played by girls, sexual harassment, struggles with my family. Through these I got really into journaling and generally practicing mental health for myself-- And it has helped a lot, the work I have done, but I started hating that work too, soon, and I have been stuck for a while in this limbo where I don't really know what to do-- I had an artistic project I was working very hard on, but with some recent events I have stopped that too, and I don't know what do with my life all of a sudden? I am going through the motions of university, my friendships are sweet but I cannot find the energy to make a lot of plans. I am endlessly self-critical, and self-critical about how self-critical I am as well. It feels like everything in my brain has been swallowed up in this cyclone of whirling uncertainty.  

And I guess that is what I would call Psychic Chaos, the state one enters when one simply does not know what is right and what is wrong inside their own head. I cannot tell which way is forward, what thoughts matter and what don't. What patterns of behaviour I should expand upon and which ones I should cull.

 It is not condusive to living well. 

 

bop

bop

 

Do y'all mind me writing all this sad shi?